My Side of the Story
I am telling this here and now, ten years later, because I never got a chance to tell anyone. Everyone assumed the fragile, comely woman (she was 42) would never use her looks and wiles for personal gain at the expense of a man who really cared for her and the man surely must have fabricated any thoughts that she might care for him, because as common wisdom would have, that's the way it always happens.
But, that's not what happened and in retrospect, I am not the first she used. There was a guy I met who seemed really nice who later she complained became obsessive. Now, I wonder how much she enticed him into letting his attraction grow and what she took from him. When I saw her around him, she adopted a come-hither attitude. And then there was a nebbish man who followed her like a puppy while she let him write artist statements and profiles for her.
Here's what happened with me and in this I admit where I went wrong, because in things such as matters of the heart, bad begets bad.
Jill came to me during the 1997 Around the Coyote art show. The spot where she displayed was right next to mine and she came around and came around and came around, enamored that I was a published author. I responded because she was seemingly very intelligent, but I responded appropriately for a married man. When the show was over and we were packing up I responded to her suggestion that we get together by informing her that being married, I couldn't. "We can do lunch" was her perky response, pointing out that we worked on the same street.
So we became lunch buddies, getting together once a week like clockwork and a friendship started in the most seemingly (seemingly) healthy of ways Two people developing a friendship based on knowing each other; yet with utmost respect for my marital status, or so I thought. We became friends. Over the next five years, we were known in the art community for our friendship, our closeness, our tie. I've heard later that some assumed we were lovers. We were not.
As is often the case when a man and a woman become friends, the topic our conversations was about relationships. For three years it was dominated by her and was about a man that she had slept with, considering that constituted a relationship. Unfortunately, this man mostly just showed up late, drunk and fucked her. She was never happy with the level of verbal or emotional intimacy. Of course, she would never leave him, even at times when he had other lovers. Still, I listened dutifully and supportively.
During this she was fascinated with my seemingly great marriage to a very attractive woman. We had issues, but, I had stood in front of 200 people in a church and had made a commitment and that meant something to me. I had no reason to trash talk my wife over a situation I had chosen; so in my discussions with Jill I focused on the merits of our marriage, the commitment, the life we built together.
Jill began to try to convince me of what was missing from my marriage and I should consider this sacrifice was too much to give up for some ideology like commitment.
We were hanging in the same circle of artists and seeing each other at group functions, all with my wife's knowledge; events she had no interest in attending. I began to take Jill to other things that my wife 't interested in: the symphony, dance performances, etc... Of course, I was paying Jill's way to many very expensive cultural events.
Eventually, Jill's constant rhetoric about my marriage got me thinking and I begin to realize that in a lot of ways I knew Jill more intimately, whereas with my wife I was an object in a plan, the "husband" object. But, I wasn't going to even let my mind consider anything remotely resembling infidelity. It was against my morays, as was the idea of giving up a commitment I had made in a church.
Yet, I became more and more pestered in my mind about what was wrong with my marriage. I would find myself half waking in the middle of the night seeing Jill's face floating before me and it gave me a comfortable feeling.
I spoke of my feelings with Jill and flat out told her that I wouldn't do anything illicit or wrong, that I wanted to deal with my marriage on the basis of it's merit or lack of merit. Jill agreed, but continued with the rhetoric that I should consider that maybe my marriage wasn't so good. Of course, I was taking Jill to more and more very expensive events and dinners and spending more and more money on her.
Finally in November of 2000, I had to tell my wife the truth: that I loved her, but not like a husband should love a wife and we went into couples counseling which was good and became a nine month journey to give my ex-wife what she needed for closure to the marriage. In the mean time, I still spent time with Jill, my "best friend", spending more money on her. On December 23, 2000 while sitting outside an event just after work that Jill had called me earlier to attend, she confessed she was falling in love with me. I didn't want any part of that. It was confusing enough ending a marriage.
In retrospect, I have come to realize that the only reason we were at that event was so that she could spy on her ex-husband. She all but ignored me throughout the event and it set off series of times when I would drive her past her ex-husbands house so she could "spy cruise" as she called it without him recognizing her car.
In May of 2001, my wife decided she was ready for me to leave and I moved out on July 1. Jill was seeing someone who she constantly complained about his inability to connect with her emotionally, so it was not an option at that time to change our friendship into something more. Besides, I had just left my wife. So I threw myself into classes, yet Jill and I found more time together where of course I was spending more money on her, often $200 a date taking her to high end cultural and artistic affairs. One evening I spent over $500 on symphony, a meal at a Russian restaurant and after symphony dessert. I didn't mind, though it wasn't wise, I was racking up debt on my credit card to keep Jill happy. I really cared for her and didn't realize that I was falling in love.
Jill, let slip a number of times that she was feeling “inordinately fond of me”, sent me cards saying that I was the best thing she had met since she was five, reaching across a table, taking my hand, romance, etc... I was beginning to fall in love and why not, she was my best friend our intellectual and emotional intimacy was extraordinary, the makings of real love, not just infatuation or physical attraction.
For her Birthday, I didn't get her a book of her favorite poetry, I got her favorite poet to join us for a surprise dinner; we walked along the street, me kissing her bare shoulders, her giggling. At the end of the night, we kissed, a long connective, surprising, yet not surprising, kiss. The next day she confessed she had thought about asking me to spend the night with her, but she was seeing someone. That opened an epiphany for me, why not Jill and I as an item. I knew her better than anyone and we were certainly intimate emotionally and intellectually. Besides she was painting a picture of an unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend and elicited me to help her "spy cruise" on her boyfriend since he wouldn't recognize my vehicle. One night I stood watch as she made an illegal entry into the garage where her boyfriend kept a vehicle he was borrowing. While we were at it, she had me spy cruise her ex-husband, hoping to see in the windows of his new home to see how he interacted with his new wife.
By fall, Jill was grousing about her boyfriend all the time, and getting closer to me emotionally, or so I thought. We joked that between her boyfriend and I, she had one complete boyfriend. I was 2/3rds of the boyfriend, doing all the emotional support and attending to her insatiable need for culture. Tom was providing and receiving all of her physical intimacy. I asked, if perhaps her boyfriend were gone would she and I be together. It occurred to me that though I would never tamper with a marriage, why not try to lure a woman I felt close to from a self-admitted dysfunctional relationship. So I upped the stakes on making myself more attractive to Jill, which in her case meant spending much more money. I was courting her and willing to rack up some debt to be with the woman I love. Why not? I saw it as an investment toward a future. I suggested that she consider that I could offer her a more healthy relationship. No go.
After the new years 2002, her boyfreind broke it off with Jill, tired of her neurotic whining. I heard from mutual friends that Jill blamed me because I had raised a toast to her and her boyfriend at a New Years celebration since it was also their one year anniversary. Supposed, it made her boyfriend consider the level of commitment Jill wanted and scared him off.
Jill's father died and I was there for her, backing off from any relationship talk, still spending and taking her places to make her feel better.
Several months later, I would wake in sexual ecstasy, with a feeling that I was with Jill. This happened with some frequency. I begin to ask Jill if she would consider a deeper relationship with me. She said it was too soon after breaking up and her dad to be intimate with anyone. I accepted that, but the dreams continued until one morning I realized that I was sensing Jill's ecstasy with someone else. The next two times I woke to that feeling I did something I am not proud of, but in retrospect still feel was necessary. I waited outside of her house the next morning and sure enough, she exited with her ex-boyfriend that she originally complained about. She was having regular sex with him despite the fact that he was engaged to be married to another woman.
I asked Jill to consider giving up unhealthy relationships with men who couldn't be intimate with her and to look at me and all the healthy aspects of our relationship which was only missing physical intimacy in all the intimacy we shared.. She said she would. but needed more time. My head said go, my heart said stay and give her time. I stayed, but over the course of a month I found myself confessing the conflict in me between head and heart and asked her several times to be honest with me if she could never be physically intimate, or couldn't ever feel the love for me, I felt for her. She said, that it was a matter of needing more time, but I felt more conflicted inside. My intellect said run, my heart said stay and wait it out and I couldn't deny Jill all the cultural events that she loved so much. I felt I needed to find a way to be sure she wasn't using me or break this bond I couldn't break myself. I set out to discover this.
Discovering, came in away I never suspected. One night while picking her up, I walked into the kitchen to deposit a candy wrapper. Odd the details one remembers during life's defining moments. When I came out, her journal was open and off the page jumped my name, Conrad, Conrad, Conrad, Conrad. I stepped away. She was in the bathroom, Something, some instinct of of survival, told me I had to read that page. It took less than half a minute, but phrases are still with me today “I shouldn't sleep with [ex boyfriend], I should let myself fall in love with Conrad, he is so nice to me, but he is short and chubby.” And, “I should let Conrad go, but he takes me to such nice places and I don't want to stay home alone.”
I was crushed. Jill had no feelings for me, I was just a tool to keep her from being lonely and give her things she wanted. She came out of the bathroom and I was sure she realized that her journal with this revealing page was open. She had no clue, she was into where we were going, which was to meet friends to watch one other friend sing in the Carmen Burana. I should have, but was too devastated to confront her. All I could do was hand her the keys to my Jeep and let ask her to drive. She was cluelessly lost in herself. After getting together, I tried to push the issue by trying to kiss her. She left the Jeep, angry that I had tried, forgetting that at one time she had considered asking me to spend the night with her to make love.
Over the next three weeks, I knew I needed to leave, but my heart wouldn't let me. I confronted Jill about my head/heart conflict and asked her to be truthful. She insisted that it was only a matter of time before she and I would get together. I needed to find out what I needed to break this sick bond myself. I told myself that at the end of the month was the last event I promised to take Jill to and I would not ask her to more and let it end. She discovered my attempts to find out if she really cared or to find what I needed to break the bonds of my caring before being used more. She broke it off with me. That was hard, but probably given the way she was using me with no care for me, the best.
Still, she focused on me invading her privacy as being the only wrong committed in this travesty of friendship, mitigating the months and years of using my affections for her personal gain. In her mind, or at least her rhetoric, the fact that over several years she had used me to take her places and keep her from being lonely while leading me to believe that she cared for me was nothing compared to the infraction of my need to discover her lies and usage of me. She led everyone believe that I had fabricated this intimacy in my own head, denying the times she had told me she was falling in love or becoming inordinately fond of me.
And everyone believed her. Because after all, the pretty fragile girl would never tamper with a man's heart for uncaring personal gain. And every one knows, that the diminutive man always fabricates fantasies of love that don't exist. It became painfully clear that using a man's affection by deception over a period of years for personal gain and financial gain, is accepted. Whereas, taking measures to discover deception and being used in the most flagrant way is "against the rules of love."
But, that's not what happened and in retrospect, I am not the first she used. There was a guy I met who seemed really nice who later she complained became obsessive. Now, I wonder how much she enticed him into letting his attraction grow and what she took from him. When I saw her around him, she adopted a come-hither attitude. And then there was a nebbish man who followed her like a puppy while she let him write artist statements and profiles for her.
Here's what happened with me and in this I admit where I went wrong, because in things such as matters of the heart, bad begets bad.
Jill came to me during the 1997 Around the Coyote art show. The spot where she displayed was right next to mine and she came around and came around and came around, enamored that I was a published author. I responded because she was seemingly very intelligent, but I responded appropriately for a married man. When the show was over and we were packing up I responded to her suggestion that we get together by informing her that being married, I couldn't. "We can do lunch" was her perky response, pointing out that we worked on the same street.
So we became lunch buddies, getting together once a week like clockwork and a friendship started in the most seemingly (seemingly) healthy of ways Two people developing a friendship based on knowing each other; yet with utmost respect for my marital status, or so I thought. We became friends. Over the next five years, we were known in the art community for our friendship, our closeness, our tie. I've heard later that some assumed we were lovers. We were not.
As is often the case when a man and a woman become friends, the topic our conversations was about relationships. For three years it was dominated by her and was about a man that she had slept with, considering that constituted a relationship. Unfortunately, this man mostly just showed up late, drunk and fucked her. She was never happy with the level of verbal or emotional intimacy. Of course, she would never leave him, even at times when he had other lovers. Still, I listened dutifully and supportively.
During this she was fascinated with my seemingly great marriage to a very attractive woman. We had issues, but, I had stood in front of 200 people in a church and had made a commitment and that meant something to me. I had no reason to trash talk my wife over a situation I had chosen; so in my discussions with Jill I focused on the merits of our marriage, the commitment, the life we built together.
Jill began to try to convince me of what was missing from my marriage and I should consider this sacrifice was too much to give up for some ideology like commitment.
We were hanging in the same circle of artists and seeing each other at group functions, all with my wife's knowledge; events she had no interest in attending. I began to take Jill to other things that my wife 't interested in: the symphony, dance performances, etc... Of course, I was paying Jill's way to many very expensive cultural events.
Eventually, Jill's constant rhetoric about my marriage got me thinking and I begin to realize that in a lot of ways I knew Jill more intimately, whereas with my wife I was an object in a plan, the "husband" object. But, I wasn't going to even let my mind consider anything remotely resembling infidelity. It was against my morays, as was the idea of giving up a commitment I had made in a church.
Yet, I became more and more pestered in my mind about what was wrong with my marriage. I would find myself half waking in the middle of the night seeing Jill's face floating before me and it gave me a comfortable feeling.
I spoke of my feelings with Jill and flat out told her that I wouldn't do anything illicit or wrong, that I wanted to deal with my marriage on the basis of it's merit or lack of merit. Jill agreed, but continued with the rhetoric that I should consider that maybe my marriage wasn't so good. Of course, I was taking Jill to more and more very expensive events and dinners and spending more and more money on her.
Finally in November of 2000, I had to tell my wife the truth: that I loved her, but not like a husband should love a wife and we went into couples counseling which was good and became a nine month journey to give my ex-wife what she needed for closure to the marriage. In the mean time, I still spent time with Jill, my "best friend", spending more money on her. On December 23, 2000 while sitting outside an event just after work that Jill had called me earlier to attend, she confessed she was falling in love with me. I didn't want any part of that. It was confusing enough ending a marriage.
In retrospect, I have come to realize that the only reason we were at that event was so that she could spy on her ex-husband. She all but ignored me throughout the event and it set off series of times when I would drive her past her ex-husbands house so she could "spy cruise" as she called it without him recognizing her car.
In May of 2001, my wife decided she was ready for me to leave and I moved out on July 1. Jill was seeing someone who she constantly complained about his inability to connect with her emotionally, so it was not an option at that time to change our friendship into something more. Besides, I had just left my wife. So I threw myself into classes, yet Jill and I found more time together where of course I was spending more money on her, often $200 a date taking her to high end cultural and artistic affairs. One evening I spent over $500 on symphony, a meal at a Russian restaurant and after symphony dessert. I didn't mind, though it wasn't wise, I was racking up debt on my credit card to keep Jill happy. I really cared for her and didn't realize that I was falling in love.
Jill, let slip a number of times that she was feeling “inordinately fond of me”, sent me cards saying that I was the best thing she had met since she was five, reaching across a table, taking my hand, romance, etc... I was beginning to fall in love and why not, she was my best friend our intellectual and emotional intimacy was extraordinary, the makings of real love, not just infatuation or physical attraction.
For her Birthday, I didn't get her a book of her favorite poetry, I got her favorite poet to join us for a surprise dinner; we walked along the street, me kissing her bare shoulders, her giggling. At the end of the night, we kissed, a long connective, surprising, yet not surprising, kiss. The next day she confessed she had thought about asking me to spend the night with her, but she was seeing someone. That opened an epiphany for me, why not Jill and I as an item. I knew her better than anyone and we were certainly intimate emotionally and intellectually. Besides she was painting a picture of an unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend and elicited me to help her "spy cruise" on her boyfriend since he wouldn't recognize my vehicle. One night I stood watch as she made an illegal entry into the garage where her boyfriend kept a vehicle he was borrowing. While we were at it, she had me spy cruise her ex-husband, hoping to see in the windows of his new home to see how he interacted with his new wife.
By fall, Jill was grousing about her boyfriend all the time, and getting closer to me emotionally, or so I thought. We joked that between her boyfriend and I, she had one complete boyfriend. I was 2/3rds of the boyfriend, doing all the emotional support and attending to her insatiable need for culture. Tom was providing and receiving all of her physical intimacy. I asked, if perhaps her boyfriend were gone would she and I be together. It occurred to me that though I would never tamper with a marriage, why not try to lure a woman I felt close to from a self-admitted dysfunctional relationship. So I upped the stakes on making myself more attractive to Jill, which in her case meant spending much more money. I was courting her and willing to rack up some debt to be with the woman I love. Why not? I saw it as an investment toward a future. I suggested that she consider that I could offer her a more healthy relationship. No go.
After the new years 2002, her boyfreind broke it off with Jill, tired of her neurotic whining. I heard from mutual friends that Jill blamed me because I had raised a toast to her and her boyfriend at a New Years celebration since it was also their one year anniversary. Supposed, it made her boyfriend consider the level of commitment Jill wanted and scared him off.
Jill's father died and I was there for her, backing off from any relationship talk, still spending and taking her places to make her feel better.
Several months later, I would wake in sexual ecstasy, with a feeling that I was with Jill. This happened with some frequency. I begin to ask Jill if she would consider a deeper relationship with me. She said it was too soon after breaking up and her dad to be intimate with anyone. I accepted that, but the dreams continued until one morning I realized that I was sensing Jill's ecstasy with someone else. The next two times I woke to that feeling I did something I am not proud of, but in retrospect still feel was necessary. I waited outside of her house the next morning and sure enough, she exited with her ex-boyfriend that she originally complained about. She was having regular sex with him despite the fact that he was engaged to be married to another woman.
I asked Jill to consider giving up unhealthy relationships with men who couldn't be intimate with her and to look at me and all the healthy aspects of our relationship which was only missing physical intimacy in all the intimacy we shared.. She said she would. but needed more time. My head said go, my heart said stay and give her time. I stayed, but over the course of a month I found myself confessing the conflict in me between head and heart and asked her several times to be honest with me if she could never be physically intimate, or couldn't ever feel the love for me, I felt for her. She said, that it was a matter of needing more time, but I felt more conflicted inside. My intellect said run, my heart said stay and wait it out and I couldn't deny Jill all the cultural events that she loved so much. I felt I needed to find a way to be sure she wasn't using me or break this bond I couldn't break myself. I set out to discover this.
Discovering, came in away I never suspected. One night while picking her up, I walked into the kitchen to deposit a candy wrapper. Odd the details one remembers during life's defining moments. When I came out, her journal was open and off the page jumped my name, Conrad, Conrad, Conrad, Conrad. I stepped away. She was in the bathroom, Something, some instinct of of survival, told me I had to read that page. It took less than half a minute, but phrases are still with me today “I shouldn't sleep with [ex boyfriend], I should let myself fall in love with Conrad, he is so nice to me, but he is short and chubby.” And, “I should let Conrad go, but he takes me to such nice places and I don't want to stay home alone.”
I was crushed. Jill had no feelings for me, I was just a tool to keep her from being lonely and give her things she wanted. She came out of the bathroom and I was sure she realized that her journal with this revealing page was open. She had no clue, she was into where we were going, which was to meet friends to watch one other friend sing in the Carmen Burana. I should have, but was too devastated to confront her. All I could do was hand her the keys to my Jeep and let ask her to drive. She was cluelessly lost in herself. After getting together, I tried to push the issue by trying to kiss her. She left the Jeep, angry that I had tried, forgetting that at one time she had considered asking me to spend the night with her to make love.
Over the next three weeks, I knew I needed to leave, but my heart wouldn't let me. I confronted Jill about my head/heart conflict and asked her to be truthful. She insisted that it was only a matter of time before she and I would get together. I needed to find out what I needed to break this sick bond myself. I told myself that at the end of the month was the last event I promised to take Jill to and I would not ask her to more and let it end. She discovered my attempts to find out if she really cared or to find what I needed to break the bonds of my caring before being used more. She broke it off with me. That was hard, but probably given the way she was using me with no care for me, the best.
Still, she focused on me invading her privacy as being the only wrong committed in this travesty of friendship, mitigating the months and years of using my affections for her personal gain. In her mind, or at least her rhetoric, the fact that over several years she had used me to take her places and keep her from being lonely while leading me to believe that she cared for me was nothing compared to the infraction of my need to discover her lies and usage of me. She led everyone believe that I had fabricated this intimacy in my own head, denying the times she had told me she was falling in love or becoming inordinately fond of me.
And everyone believed her. Because after all, the pretty fragile girl would never tamper with a man's heart for uncaring personal gain. And every one knows, that the diminutive man always fabricates fantasies of love that don't exist. It became painfully clear that using a man's affection by deception over a period of years for personal gain and financial gain, is accepted. Whereas, taking measures to discover deception and being used in the most flagrant way is "against the rules of love."