Two Gals, Three Guys and a BriefcaseBrought to you by:
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ACT I FADE IN 1 Int The Velvet Edge a north woods bar in WIsconsin – Night A single light in an empty tavern is on a table. MAN IN BLACK (big dude) enters and sets a briefcase on the table. Man In Black Someone will be around to get that. BARTENDER (60’s) turns on an illuminated sixties style beer advertising sign with horses or woodsy scene, revealing her presence Bartender Just thinking about closing, you know. Man in Black Think again. Don’t let anyone mess with that. (Turns to exit.) BARTENDER Well, you see there, that table’s prime real estate round here. I rent it out -- usually in the form of cheap liquor that I put into a semi clean glass. MAN IN BLACK extracts a pistol holding it to his side. BARTENDER raises a weapon from behind bar MAN IN BLACK considers for a moment, puts away his gun, takes out a wad of folded money, throws the cash at her. BARTENDER Make it preferably top shelf seein’ as how that table is the only real estate that’s got a light ‘n all in the whole neighborhood. Man in black You got something against extortion? Just ask for money. (beat) Make it a Chivas bartender Christ there. This is the middle of the Ojibwe Indian reservation and all. You think you in Rhinelander or something? Man in black A Cutty then. Bartender One Christian Brothers coming up. BARTENDER pours Christian Brothers Brandy in a tumbler sets a it on the bar, backs away holding the gun.) Bartender (continuing) What’s the hurry, big guy? You find someone with bad enough judgement to wait for you in one of those cabins at the Outpost Motel? Man In Black What the… Bartender Let’s see, there, I know everyone in the area. Maybe it’s Marte Hanson, or Gladys Wiccum or – Lena… Man in Black (interrupting) Just make sure no one fucks with that. MAN IN BLACK takes the tumbler, moves to table and sets it next to briefcase, then looks to BARTENDER, flips lights switch on as he exits. SFX: the moaning hoot of an owl. Bartender (Singing words to “The Velvet Edge”) Cry me a river, a boy and a girl Rise from the ashes and escape from the world Trails of fire lace the dreams in their heads The soft touch of desperation – The Velvet Edge 2 continuous – Bartender pulls out a bottle of scotch She starts to pour then quickly puts it away as she hears voices outside Neil (O.C.) I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t be in some airport in the middle of the pin forest if I hadn’t seen on a schedule that a flight to Milwaukee leaves at this time. Melissa (O.C.) Do you always live your life in denial? Obviously, no one is going to get a flight out. No runway lights. No take-offs. Got it? NEIL (30s, thin, dressed in poorly fitting black suit), MELISSA (20s, pretty, dressed in fru-fru patterned skirt and blouse), DELILAH (30’s/40’s, dressed in tight fitting red), BRODY (30s, dressed in black, silk tee-shirt, sport jacket, jewelry) and SVEN (20, Black, black silk button down shirt with black sport jacket) enter, dropping their luggage. Neil Are you saying, no one knew it would be dark at this time of night? I called. Someone could have told me they forgot to pay the electric bill SVEN notices the briefcase almost immediately and stands before it as if before some shrine. Melissa Did you think to ask him specifically if the flight would leave tonight? Neil What? Why would that be assumed? And, what’s with the taxi service Melissa What taxi service? In the north woods of Wisconsin? Get real. Face it. No amount of griping is going to change the fact that we’re stuck here at the…. (trails off) bartender (filling in for Melissa) …Velvet Edge. (beat) Are you two married, aina hey? Melissa and neil (In unison) No! Melissa We just met at the airport. Why? Bartender Can’t say for sure, you know. BRODY notices SVEN’s fascination with the briefcase. DELILAH notices BRODY’s interest. Melissa Hah! Me marry some skinny, fretting…. MELISSA trails off as she notes that everyone is focused on the briefcase. NEIL opens his mouth, but MELISSA puts her hand on his face and turns it to the briefcase. Brody (To Sven) What do you think it is? Sven (shrugging) A briefcase Neil In the middle of a pine forest, by itself? Right! This isn’t -- like – some Starbucks in The Loop. MELISSA moves toward the briefcase, intrigued Melissa This is like one of those mystery romances, where something that is out of place is very, very important Neil It’s a freaking briefcase! Some guy forgot it. What could be be so important about a briefcase. Melissa What’s in it. And how do know some guy is left it. Maybe some femme fatale, in a gabardine suit and a hat, with a feather with a fashionable hat and veiled eyes left it. Like in that mystery novel, Daggers in Her Eyes. Brody So, ah, Ms. Romance Mystery Reader…. Melissa (supplying her name) Call me Melissa Neil And, “I’m Neil Brody I’m so glad for you, Neil. So, Melissa, what do you think is in the briefcase Delilah Money. DELILAH runs her nose along the top, drinking in a breath as if breathing a fine cognac from a snifter Delilah (Continuing) The ink. The paper. It’s some man’s money. Smells like a sweat soaked wallet. Smell it? (Taking Sven’s arm) What else can you smell? Brody (To Delilah) Something that reminds me of my uncle’s kennel when one of the bitches is in ester. And just who are you? Delilah Delilah. Brody Of course you are. DELILAH flashes a threatening smile at BRODY Delilah I am. I truly am. (to Sven) What about you, Mr, ah…? SVEN eyes DELILAH with diffident gaze, but says nothing bartender His name’s Sven, donchya know. In here a couple hours back, havin’ couple, waitin’ for the plane. Figured I should ID him. Let’s see his last name is one of those names ends in ‘son’ and all. It’s ah… Sven Sven! Just Sven will be fine. NEil With all dus respect, you don’t look – you know -- Scandinavian sven (interrupting) I’m Norwegian Delilah (Sidling up to Sven) Take me Viking Warrior Guy! BArtender Must be one=ah those Minnesota Norskies. Welcome to The Velvet Edge. Whatchya all want, there. Neil, melissa, Brody (in unison) A way out of here. Bartender I meant to drink and all, Can’t stay here without rentin’ the tables, doncha know. ALL answer at same time DELILA SVEN NEAL BRODY MELISSA Cutty Budweiser Club soda Jack Black A mojito 3 continuous – BARTENDER sets five beers on the bar bartender Okay, that’ll be four Budwieser and a Jack Daniels. START HERE - TRIM Brody Long as we got time, let’s take a look in the briefcase. Who wants to wager whether it’s money or drugs. Melissa Could be it’s bonds or – or, certificates, or spreadsheets Delilah Right, maybe it’s someone’s Mary Kay order for pickup BRODY puts hands on briefcase BARTENDER, Melissa & Neil (in unison) Don’t! Brody Why not? NEIL MELISSA It’s not ours Might be a bomb. bartender Cause a big guy with a gun and all brought it in and said don’t mess with it. Neil Works for me. SVEN gently pulls one of BRODY’s hands from it. Shakes his head at BRODY BRODY Sven? DELILAH Sven? (sniffs) I smell possessiveness, foul with a tinge of fear BRODY What’s your game, Drama Queen? DELILAH sings Fiona Apple’s Criminal while circling SVEN, looking to BRODY and giggling. NICHOLAS quietly enters unnoticed standing off to the side. Obsessed with the briefcase, SVEN lays a cautious hand on it. DELILAH (singing) I’ve been a bad bad girl I’ve been careless with a delicate man It’s a sad sad world When a girl can break a boy just because she can nicholas How do you know that when you open that you won’t blow us to bits. (beat) How do you know that when you open that, someone won’t blow your head off? SVEN refuses to look at NICHOLAS, turns to BRODY SVEN (To Brody) Has he got a gun? brody I don’t know. Has he got a gun Sven? sven Probably. Neil Great! What is this, the Assassin School class reunion? Are you guys the whole graduating class, or just the survivors? BARTENDER Welcome to the Velvet Edge, there, eh. What you want, there, Mr. Ah? Nicholas (Points to briefcase) Nicholas. Whomever left or is going to pick that up. Melissa Whoever. NEIL Whatever. You’re correcting the grammar of someone who may, or may not have a gun? Bartender I was thinkin’ more along the lines of what you want to drink you know. Can we call you Nick, Nicky, or is it Mr. Nicholas there? nicholas It’s just Nicholas, but I would prefer, “Sir”. I’ll just have a tonic. Neil Sir? For real? Melissa Remember Neil, he may have gun. sven Or not. Brody You have a gun, Nicholas? NICHOLAS (Ignoring question) Is one of you here for the briefcase? Everyone eyes each other NICHOLAS (Continuing) If I said I have a gun, would that change any of your answers? Delilah If one of us said we did or didn’t have a gun, would that change whether or not you have a gun. bartender How you want that tonic, there, with or without lemon 4 Nicholas moves to a table from the others Nicholas Without conversation. I’ll take it over there, alone. Melissa Well, this is certainly cozy. What’ll we talk about? Sven Some imperative says we need to talk? Neil You really Norwegian, Sven? Sven (Still eyeing briefcase) Got a passport says I was born there. Delilah (To Sven) Who was she? Sven Who was whom? DELILAH sings Patricia Barber’s “Touch of Trash.” Dialogue and song interweave MELISSA Whomever just tromped on your heart, that’s what Ms. Delilah here wants. BRODY You still haven’t said your game is, Drama Queen? DELILAH (singing) Masculine resolve With a feminine plan: (Pause as written in song) DELILAH (Cont) Domination and submission. She smells the gas – then lights the match While singing, DELILAH moves close to BRODY Delilah (to Brody) What’s yours? Maybe it’s more fun than Captain Heartbreaks? (indicates Sven) Maybe it’s got some more words. brody So? That’s it? You play other peoples games? Delilah Whatever I can win at. What we gonna do until the sun comes up? Melissa Careful, Mr. Brody. She looks like the kind of woman who likes to win more than she likes to play. Delilah (to Melissa) Do we know each other? Melissa More or less. Brody Thanks for your concern, ah…. Melissa (Supplying name) Melissa Brody Thanks. I’ll take that under advisement, Melissa. bartender Maybe you girls could share your dolls and we could all get along, you know. Delilah Sure (To Sven) Whadya say, doll? Sven Knights pawn to Knight’s pawn two. Delilah Wow, that’s real heavy, Viking Warrior Dude. What’s it mean? Brody He’s making room to move his Bishop. You shouldn’t have opened by showing your Queen. Delilah Oh, and I thought we were playing Mah Jong. You know, something that requires finesse and -- melding. Melissa Clearly Delilah’s more interested in melding than finesse. What’s the matter, Sven, don’t you like pushy drama queens. Delilah Be nice and maybe I’ll leave a man left over for you. Neil This is tiring. Maybe there’s a motel nearby. bartender Just the Outpost up the way a bit. Neil And without taxis, how do we get there? Bartender Don’t know, there, eh. Can’t think of anyone I’m pissed off enough at to wake and come give you a ride. Neil And just how do you get home? Bartender This is home and everything. Bed and all’s upstairs Melissa What do you use to get groceries. Bartender Ya didn’t notice did you there, ehy? The whole other side a the building take up with a grocery store, and all. It’s the hardware store and gift shop and I’m the Post Office too, doncha know. Melissa You don’t have a vehicle? Bartender Gotta truck, out back and all, but it hasn’t run in pretty near three years. Local mechanic tells me I shucked a rod Delilah Sounds like fun. Wanna shuck a rod, Sven? bartender Drinks are ready. Come and get ‘em. The waitress died. SVEN, NEIL, NICHOLAS and BRODY retrieve drinks. SVEN takes MELISSA’S drink to her. BRODY takes DELILAH’s to her. 5 Everyone spreads out, gazing uncomfortable at the briefcase melissa You really think there’s money in that? Delilah I guarantee it. Has that smell of quiet desperation. Money DELILAH leans over and sniffs BRODY. Sven What is it, Delilah? Money or desperation? Delilah What’s it worth to you to know? Melissa Slut Delilah Jealous. Bartender Having fun, there, Delilah? Delilah Oh yeah. Bartender Well, be careful there and all. Seen these kinds of games mixed with booze can lead to overturned chairs, broken glasses and windows and all that – or worse. NEIL What kind of worse? BARTENDER Gunplay and such, and all. (beat) You know. Grown women playin’ bored little girl games with men who go adult toys. Delilah What kind of games might that be? Nicholas Games that someone with looks of a model, stuck in the woods might play just for entertainment. The situation is fluid enough, so sit down and shut up. Delilah My name’s Delilah. You know what Delilah did to Sampson in the Bible, don’t you, Nicky? Nicholas So what. My names not Sampson – or Nicky. Bartender All the same, eh, just to be safe if anyone’s got a gun, just put it up here on the bar, so’s it won’t suddenly appear later down the line, or nothing. (pats the bar) Brody? I seen you take your wallet outa your front pants pocket, so what’s that your jacket hidin’ there? DELILAH opens BRODY’S jacket, revealing an automatic in a shoulder holster Neil What the… Who the…? Shit! Bartender (To Brody) Long as you don’t got one in the chamber, there Slick. Sven Delilah, Seems you confused the smell of gun metal for desperation Melissa How about you, Sven SVEN opens his jacket, revealing he has no gun. Bartender Nicky? Nicholas Nicholas! Bartender Oh yeah, that’s right, eh. You got a gun, there? NICHOLAS eyes BARTENDER sips on drink. Bartender (continuing) I’ll take that as a “no” then. Melissa (to Brody) Does the gun mean you think there’s a problem us all surviving ‘til sunrise? BRODY shrugs. NEIL bangs on his cell phone. Neil Great. Great! Just peachy. No phone service and no flights out of Psychoville, Wisconsin, population seven. bartender Eight. You forgot about the big guy with the gun who left the briefcase. MELISSA comforts NEIL. Melissa Relax Neil, Brody doesn’t seem like a psychotic killer. Sven Yah. He seems more like a pro. Neil A pro? Brody, please tell me you’re a pro. Brody I’m a pro. Neil Oh good. Now, tell me you got a badge that lets you carry that thing, please. Brody Sorry, Neil. No Badge. Delilah Ooh. I like that. Not all desperation is needy, Some kinds are just strong. BARTENDER pulls a pistol out from under the bar Bartender Well, I got this BARTENDER looks around under bar BARTENDER (continuing) Got a shotgun or something-or-other under here too, doncha know. (beat) Yah, there it is, yup. BRODY takes the clip out of his gun, sets it on the bar and returns the gun to his holster. Melissa (To Brody) Why do you carry a gun? Brody That’s a bit complicated to explain. Delilah Ooh that’s hot. Doesn’t a complicated man just make you all steamy in the tropics, Melissa? Melissa I don’t get steamy in… Delilah (Interrupting) Sure you do. You are right now, I can… Neil (Interrupting) Hey! No reason to get vulgar. Melissa Thank you -- Neil Brody You okay, Melissa Melissa I’m fine, Brody, just fine. I’d be better if I understood the gun. Brody Just think of it as – assessorizing. Melissa Oh, yeah, like a pinky ring, or -- whatever (To Nicholas) So? Mr. Nicholas do you… Nicholas (interrupting) Nicholas. Melissa Sorry for trying to be respectful. I was just wondering… Neil (Interrupting) She was just wondering, asshole, what’s in the briefcase. Or is it Mr. Asshole, as in Nicholas Asshole. NICHOLAS grabe NEIL by the throat. nicholas Shut -- up. Delilah Oh, Neil, way to tell him. There’s just something about a man who’s in control NEIL struggles to get free, gasping for breath, give NICHOLAS the “okay” sign. Brody Nicholas. Do you know what’s in the briefcase? Nicholas Yeah (beat) Where’s the pisser? Neil You wanna take the briefcase into the bathroom? Nicholas Again, Dickface, shut – up. Bartender (to Nicholas) Being the septic’s back up and all, we’re back to usin’ the old outhouse; out beside the old truck. Least you don’t have worry ‘bout flushin’ or nothing. With a nod NICHOLAS exits. Melissa I think we ought to take the briefcase outside. Sven Then, Delilah will only have us to mess with. Melissa I think it might be a bomb. Why would anyone leave a briefcase full of money where anyone could walk off with it. Bartender Fine, then, Tootsie-belle. You just pick it up and take it outside, then. Soon as the rest of us go into the next room, just in case, and all. MELISSA walks up to the briefcase, studies it, considering. Melissa The guy who left this, what exactly did he say? Bartender “Don’t let anyone mess with that.” Only he said… Melissa (interrupting) I got it. MELISSA licks her lips, reaches out to the briefcase then pulls her hand back. She bends an ear to it. 6 KYLE barges in, carrying an ax, scaring everyone. MELISSA & NIEL {SCREAM} DELILAH {Laughs Maniacally} Brody pulls out his gun Kyle Where is she? Where the hell is she? Melissa (knees buckling) Oh god! Neil Mother! BARTENDER Heydee Kyle. Put down the ax and everything. Yer makin’ everyone tetchy. Kyle No! Not until I find her, and all. Where is she? BRODY, NEIL, MELISSA and DELILAH all give KYLE room, holding their hands over their mouths and nose. Bartender Look around there, Kyle. If you took a minute, you could see she isn’t here. What happen, Lena get off her leash and slip out on you. Kyle Yah, got mad cause I didn’t want to play Scrabble afore we -- you know. Bartender Got conjugal and all? Kyle No, I wanted sex. neil Oooh. That’s an image I don’t need. Delilah Scabble? That’’s a form of foreplay I’ve never tried. Do you just use sex words? Kyle Yah. And farm animals and bowling terms are okay. Melissa I can see that, strike, split, spare Kyle (cradling ax blade against his cheek) Lena said she was gonna find a real man who could say Polly’s words. Brody You mean polysyllabic words, Kyle? Lyle Yah, that woman’s words and all. She waited till I was in the crapper with my pants round my ankles; then she bolted right out the front door. DELILAH runs her finger along the sharp edge of the ax DELILAH Given what I’ve seen of the North woods diet, I’d say ol’ Lena had enough time to throw on a strappy little black thing, before you got your pants back up. A MUTED EXPLOSION is heard from outside. Everyone but KYLE looks. NEIL opens mouth and point to door, but is silenced by MELISSA Neil What, the… Was that an…. Kyle (ignoring explosion) You sure Lena ain’t been by? Down at the Fillerup, Qvamme said a black Caddy got gas and all and came by here. Bartender Well there, Kyle, that could describe half the tourists in the area right now. Neil Tourists drive Caddy’s around here. bartenders Just the mobsters pickin up their cash and all from the Indians, and all. Melissa Indians? Brody Casinos. Beats public aid. Kyle You sayin, you thinkin’ my Lena taken up with a mobster there. NICHOLAS enters so quietly that no one notices him melissa Do things just blow up all the time around her that no one seems care that something just blew up outside? NICHOLAS grabs the ax from KYLE Nicholas What is this? Axe night at the bar? You the asshole that set my car on fire while I was in the crapper? kyle You the -- you know what -- who’s with my Lena? Nicholas No! Who in the name of livestock lust is Lena? Kyle She’s… KYLE holds his hand out to indicate a woman just under five feet tall Kyle (continuing) And… KYLE holds out hands to indicate breasts about two feet from his chest. NICHOLAS emphatically shakes head. Kyle Oh, hey there, then. Real sorry about the car ‘n all? Nicholas So am I. You know anything about who left or is coming for that? NICHOLAS points to briefcase. Kyle Whatchya got there? Brody Answers that question, doesn’t it Nicholas. Delilah Whatever it is, it’s hotter than a burning car to Nicholas. Let’s just find out. DELILAH marches up to the briefcase and reaches out for the handle. NICHOLAS sinks the axe into the table beside the briefcase. Delilah (Continuing) Is that any way to treat a lady? Bartender Or furniture that ain’t yours or nothing, eh. NICHOLAS (To Delilah) I’ll remember that if I ever meet one. NICHOLAS pulls a money clip out of his pocket and throws a couple of bills on the bar Nicholas (continuing, to bartender) Here’s a couple Franklin portraits. Redecorate the place. BRODY takes DELILAH by the elbow pulling her away from the briefcase. brody (Indicating briefcase) Maybe you should leave this out of your games, Delilah dear. Delilah Sure, since Nick is so insistent. I know what we can do. Let’s tell stories. Neil Why not. We’re stuck in the woods with a briefcase that may be full of money, or may be a terrorist bomb with an ax stuck in the table and some of us have guns. Perfect. (Beat) Once there was this haunted bar in the north woods of… MELISSA (interrupting Neil) Be quiet Neil. That’s not what she meant DELILAH Sidles up to BRODY and peers at NICHOLAS) Delilah Who do we start with? (beat) How about you, Mr. I’m-More-Worried-About-This-Briefcase-Than-My-Burning-car. Nicholas The only story I want to hear is the one that about who is here for that briefcase. Sven Well, if it’s anyone in the room, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to come forward after watching you sink that ax into the table. 7 DELILAH toys with BRODY’s suit jacket Delilah Brody, I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. I’m a fashion model. I came for a photo shoot and now I’m stuck in saloon with four…. DELILAH sizes up KYLE and NEIL DELILAH (continuing) …with a couple of strapping men. Melisssa And she likes having sex. Delilah I do. Almost as much as I like denying. Neil Sex? Delilah Anything. Kyle My Lena used to like sex and all that before…. Bartender (interrupting) Kyle, these city folks don’t care about livestock. Delilah, the bed upstairs is for rent if you – you know and everything. It was yesterday, I put clean sheets, or the day before. Neil What you charge for -- say -- an hour? Melissa Neil? What are you saying? Delilah He wants to have sex with you. (To Brody) Back to you Mr. Tall-Dark-With-A-Rocket-In-His-Pocket. What’s your story? Brody Neil wants to tell a story, start with him. Melissa He came to dodge a debt collector for a few days. Told me at the airport. Neil Hey! How’d you like it if I told them you secretly came hoping to find some outdoorsy hunk take you in the woods and as contingency to that plan, you have a whole suitcase full of erotic romance. Delilah Good for you, girl. I never would have thought. Melissa I didn’t. I never would. I’m not a slut DELILAH You lie. You have. You are – or at least want to be. (to Neil) What you want to bet, she has a secret Goth wardrobe too, complete with nipple clamps. Melissa Bitch! Delilah Thank you. Kyle Anyone wanna hear my story? everyone (in unison) No! DELILAH Look at Sven, Sweetie. He’s Norwegian. That’s almost like an outdoorsy hunk. And, I can -- share, when need be. Melissa I would never…. MELISSA trails off and sizes up SVEN MELISSA (continuing) What happens in the woods stays in the woods, right Sven? Neil Unbelievable! You’re not seriously going to go upstairs with both him and – and… Brody (Interrupting) Nothing is going to happen upstairs, Neil. Melissa Oh? What makes you think…. Brody (Interrupting) Delilah just likes denying, remember? MELISSA looks to DELILAH who smirks and shrugs Melissa (to Sven) Sven? Sven Maybe I could call you sometime after we got back to Chicago. Melissa Screw that Viking Warrior Guy. (to Neil) Neil. Come on. MELISSA grabs NEIL’s hand and drags him toward door, but NICHOLAS stops them Nicholas Not until I find out what the Drama Queen denies. NICHOLAS grabs Delilah’s wrist. NICHOLAS (continuing) Let’s go. Delilah You really think you can deny me my denial? This ought be fun. DELILAH and NICHOLAS exit. NEIL turns to MELISSA, mouth working but doesn’t know what to say. She taps her foot impatiently waiting 8 MAN IN BLACK enters, looks everyone over. Man In Black What the? bartender She changed her mind, eh? Man in black Passed out. Kyle My Lena? MAN IN BLACK questioningly holds out a hand to indicate a woman just under five feet tall and then hands out about two feet away to indicated her bossom. Kyle Yah, hey. That’s my Lena! Passed out? Where? Man in black In the car. She’s yours? Kyle Love of my life and all that. Man in black Sorry. Really. Car’s unlocked KYLE runs out. MAN IN BLACK notices the ax in the table, points to everyone else. Man in black This the church council? MELISSA nudges NEIL NEIL (To the Man In Black) Maybe we are. Who wants to know? Bartender He’s the big guy with the gun and all, doncha know. NEIL extends a hand to MAN IN BLACK Neil I’m Neil. Melissa Hi. We were just wonder what’s in the…. man in Black (interrupting Melissa) Can it! MAN IN BLACK rubs his face, sits at table with briefcase, drinks from brandy he ordered before. man In Black Gawd, this brandy tastes like piss. (points to briefcase) Anyone open it up? MELISSA Well at least we know it’s not a bomb Brody And it’s not locked. man in black Look, I’m not screwin’ around here. Did anyone frickin’ open this briefcase? Brody Would you kill us if we did? man in black Did you open the frickin’ briefcase? Neil I’m gonna say ‘no’, no one opened the briefcase! Okay? Happy? Man in Black You mean to tell me, that it just sat there and no one opened it up. Brody No one opened it. However, we did pee in your drink. Man in Black What the… Neil (Quickly interjecting) She told us you had a gun. So we didn’t mess with it. No one wants any problems. Meliissa How do we know he really has a gun? NEIL Do we really need to know if he has a gun. I’m gonna say nuh-ah. We don’t really… (trails off) (MAN IN BLACK pulls out his pistol. NEIL Oh, Mother of Mary, no. Don’t! MELISSA Put it away. Please bartender You remember there, that I got this and it’s friend under the bar, here. BARTENDER pats her pistol. 9 DELILAH enters. MAN IN BLACK points his pistol at her Delilah Now that Nicholas is properly denied and tied, what we going to do for fun DELILAH notices MAN IN BLACK and gun and lasciviously presses her finger into the barrel of gun. Delilah Now this does look like fun. Pretty big gun you…. MAN IN BLACK grabs DELILAH by the neck, holding her as shield between him and BARTENDER, pushing her forward as he moves to bar with gun to back of DELILAH’s head. Melissa & Neil (in unison) Jesus Christ man in black (to bartender) Set that on the bar and it’s mate next to it. bartender You know, I don’t think yer up to doing it or anything. So, no there. Neil Oh, sweet Jesus, no. Just get him the other gun Brody You don’t know the odds against him being up to it, so why take the risk Sven Unless you know what’s in the briefcase, you don’t know what drives his desperation. BARTENDER lifts and aims her weapon at MAN IN BLACK/DELILAH. Bartender Can’t be too important. He left it here with me and all, so’s he could go get a hum job, there. Man in Black I didn’t expect you’d have 4-H Club meeting. MAN IN BLACK pulls back the hammer on his pistol bartender Go ahead, then. Pull the trigger. Neil No. Don’t say that. Why’d you have to say something like that? bartender Once you shoot her, I shoot you. Man in black Who says, I’m going to shoot her? neil, melissa & Delilah (in unison) Thank God Man in black You shoot the Drama Queen; then, I shoot you. NEIL (To Bartender) You don’t want that, please say you don’t want that bartender Naw! I don’t think so. She’s not that annoying. BARTENDER sets her pistol on the bar. man in black Get the other one out and set it on the bar. BARTENDER pulls out a saw-off shotgun and sets it on the bar man in black (continuing) Alright, Drama Queen, pick up the weapons; by the barrels. With MAN IN BLACK still holding her, DELILAH picks up the weapons. MAN IN BLACK drags her back to the table with the briefcase. Neil Thank you, thank you, thank you. On behalf of…. Man in black (Interrupting) Shut up. (to Delilah) Set ‘em down, gently DELILAH sets the guns next to the briefcase. MAN IN BLACK, pushes DELILAH to one side. DELILAH starts to open her mouth, but gives it a second thought KYLE barges in. ACT TWO 10 KYLE looks at the table where the ax was. Kyle Where’s my ax? Whachya do to my Lena! Whatchya do? She’s out, barely breathing and all. MAN IN BLACK Bought her a cheeseburger and fries and coupla beers. MAN IN BLACK holds gun in KYLE’s face, not particularly perturbed Kyle Oh, You know the burger explains it all and everything. So before you, you know, Lena fell asleep, so you didn’t…. man in black (interrupting) Sit down. KYLE takes a chair. Kyle Lena, poor girl, she’s gonna be a real nag when she gets up tomorrow. Melissa From the hang over? I have a…. kyle (interrupting) Naw, cause she didn’t get no lovin’ tonight. MELISSA (to Man in Black) Now what? MAN IN BLACK takes a chair. Man in black We wait Melissa C’mon Neil, weren’t we going to go, you know, upstairs, to – you know, or – something. Neil Forget that. My girlfriend’s a lawyer, what do I need with a bookkeeper. Melissa You saying it’s more fun screwing a lawyer than a bookkeeper? Brody Really no need to answer that. (to Kyle) So, Kyle, you got a car or truck. Maybe while he waits for whoever he’s waiting for, you can make a few dollars giving the rest of us a ride to Rhinelander or someplace Kyle Got my Schwinn. You know, maybe I could put one of the ladies on the handlebars, but Rhinelander’s a long way away. But you know, there’s a couple of cars outside. BRODY extracts a deck of cards from his jacket. Brody One is his and I’ll bet the other is on fire. kyle Oh, yah, hey. Might make it a bit hard to drive, you know. brody I’m thinking, maybe. As long as we’re all in a calculating odds mind set, poker anyone? BRODY moves to another table, MELISSA, DELILAH, and SVEN follow, taking seats with BRODY. neil Naw, I’ve never seen the point of whiling away my money on games of chance, I don’t even play the stocks Delilah Forget money, we’ll play strip poker neil Deal me in. Brody (to Man in Black) You a gambling man? MAN IN BLACK glares at BRODY, who shuffles and deals card BRODY (continuing) Dumb question. What does anyone else think the odds are of us walking out of here alive. Neil Don’t say that. Don’t say it like that Brody (To Sven) You’re take on this? sven Two to seven. brody So you think that of the seven of us only two will walk out alive. sven Yep, him… (points to Man In Black) …and whoever knows what’s in that briefcase. brody Why don’t you put the odds at two to nine? You don’t think anyone else is coming? SVEN shrugs Delilah You know what’s in the briefcase Viking Warrior-sweetie? SVEN is silent There’s a loud crashing from upstairs. MAN IN BLACK looks up bartender Squirrels, you know. Get into the eaves, tween the walls and floors and everything. Delilah So who do you think is going to hook up with whom before we all die? Sven How about we play for partners? Melissa You mean whoever wins, gets their pick. Sven In a way. We’re each assigned a chip, maybe I’m a blue, maybe you’re red. Whoever wins, the pot goes with the person whose chips he or she has the most of. Delilah Oh, yeah. I like the way you think. Melissa It’s hot. Half gambling. Half flirting. Seeing who’s betting for whom. Neil Might I point out that we don’t have any poker chips. Sven Snacks. (points to bar) Pick a snack. Delilah Yeah! I wanna be the jalepeno flavored corn chips Melissa I’m popcorn Brody I’ll be ranch flavored chips. Sven? Sven I’m okay with being regular chips Delilah Be the rippled kind, my hot Rasta-Norsky. Brody I guess that leaves you as pretzels, Neil Neil Ha! Ha! Ha-ha-ha! Real funny. Delilah What’s Kyle gonna be? Melissa Kyle’s not in, or I’m out Brody Kyle, you okay with watching the rest of us take our clothes off? Kyle You know, speakin’ ‘bout clothes bein’ off, and all, I’m worried about Lena, in the car out there, by herself. You think she’s okay and all. Melissa Kyle is there anyplace you can ride to get a car, then we could take her home and you could take us someplace where there’s a bus or something Kyle Naw, got no license, and no busses till morning. Sides I don’t want to stray too far from Lena, in case, you know, she wakes. (To Man in Black) Sure you didn’t, you know, do nothing or anything to her? Man in Black Scout’s honor. Kyle Okay, well, maybe I should just go check on her, in case she wonders where she is, and wakes up and all. Man In Black Just stay where you are Bartender Let ‘im go. All the guns in town and the sheriff are sitting right here. Not like he’s gonna go anywhere. MAN IN BLACK waves for KYLE to go, KYLE shuffles off, exits Brody Neil, figure a way out of this and bet high and I’ll purposely loose to Delilah, here? Or, are you more interested in Melisssa NEIL is silent. BRODY throws a few bills on the bar, returns with the snacks. Melissa Well? Neil? Delilah Yes, Neil? Well? Brody (returning) Course, we might want to figure out a way of getting out of this mess, instead of playing poker and having sex until… Delilah (Interrupting) I’m okay with gambling and sex until this is over. Brody What’s the game? Melissa Survival. brody Always is in poker. Dealer calls, then. I’m dealing so it’s five-card draw, Texas Hold Em. 11 BRODY deals. Bartender moves to MAN IN BLACK, bringing bottle of Dewars Scotch and three Pilsner glasses, pouring drinks for three of them. bartender I keep this under the bar for special occasions. Man In Black You see this as a special occasion BARTENDER shrugs MAN IN BLACK downs his drink, pours another. The BARTENDER quietly sings “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” Quietly (Quietly under) Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby. Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Neil (to Man In Black) Just how much money is in that case there, eh? Man in black How do you know there’s money in there? Neil Cause, whatever s’pose to happen isn’t happening and you’re still sittin there, which you wouldn’t if the was a bomb or some bio-weapon thing in there. Man in black What do you know about what hasn’t happened that supposed to happen? Neil I don’t know anything about what’s to happen. Just that nothing has happened and something has to happen. Man in black Naw. Uh-uh. You think or know something. What is it you think you know. Delilah How come you haven’t started shootin’ any of --- Oh! Oh! I get it. You don’t know exactly, how, what order, who first and all, do you? MAN IN BLACK picks up a pistol in each hand and eyes the poker game MAN IN BLACK Shut up. (to Bartender) Go wash your tumblers. bartender (to Delilah) I just bet, there hey, that you got in trouble in school for talking too much. BARTENDER wraps her hand around the neck of the Dewars. man in black Leave the scotch Delilah (to Brody) So, Mr. Professional Gambler, just how do you put our odds. Melissa What makes you think Brody is a professional gambler? Delilah Who else carries a deck of cards and wears, Gucci, Versace and Rolex and keeps a rocket in his pocket. Brody The Rolex is a knock off Sven Just in case you have to bet it? Delilah Now that kind of thinking is hot. Neil So Mr Aces-In-Personal-Places, just how do you see our odds? Brody Well at face value, it would look like six to one, but those weapons on the table drastically reduce the odds in an unquantifiable way. Melissa As Neil points out, there are six of us. That puts the odds are in our favor and he does have a car outside. Brody True. But if we rush him, at least two or more of us are going to die, putting the personal odds for any of us surviving at fifty percent. Who wants to risk being one of the two to three that doesn’t make it? Delilah We could try negotiation. The car might make that worthwhile. Melissa What would we have to negotiate with DELILAH gives MELISSA a dull gaze Melissa (continuing) Oh no. Don’t look at me. Not with him. brody That’s not all we have to negotiate with. Sven Brody? What’s on your mind? brody The money in the briefcase Neil We don’t know for sure it’s money. sven And he already has it, so how do you figure it’s ours to negotiate with? brody That money is just sitting there and whatever is supposed to happen hasn’t happened so it’s negotiable. Sven Just give it time. It’ll happen Neil How can you be sure of that? Brody (To Man in Black) How much is in the briefcase Man in Black And why should I think that’s any concern of yours? Brody What happens to you if whoever is supposed to pick up that money doesn’t show? Man in Black Now I know that’s no concern of yours. Brody Well I’m sure it won’t be good. Man in black And that makes a difference, why? Brody How much is in the briefcase? Man in Black (Points gun at Brody) I oughta pop you just cause you’re an annoyance. Like swatting a fly. Brody Tell me and I’ll lay it out in hard cold figures. Man In Black Fifteen million Brody That’s just over two million for each of us. Melissa (pointing upstairs) What about…. Brody (interrupting) Trust me! My math is correct BRODY gives MELISSA a sour look Neil Actually, Melissa, his math is perfect. Man in Black And just why would I want to give each of you any of that money? Brody Hush money to keep us from telling anyone what didn’t happen here without you drawing the intense law enforcement scrutiny of killing six people. Man in Black What makes you think my client isn’t covering that? Brody If that was covered, we’d be dead now. Besides you have to worry about the mess you leave around for her BRODY points to the BARTENDER MAN IN BLACK What make you think I give a rat’s ass about her. Brody Maybe you don’t, but are you paying her enough to deal with the law looking for five missing people? (beat) How much you getting paid to be obstinate about this? Three quarter of a mil’s worth? MAN IN BLACK holsters his gun, leaving the two BARTENDER’s guns on the table. sven (to Man In Black) Maybe you need time to give more time for what’s supposed to happen. We take that money, won’t someone come looking for all of us? Neil Just who’s side are you on? bartender The Viking Warrior Guy is right, you know, there. Maybe you like to gamble, but I ain’t so hot on the idea of you raising the stakes on me being kilt. Neil Nah-uh. I’m not buying it. At least one of us in the room knows more than he or she oughta know. Sven Yeah? Maybe that one person is you? What do you think you know Neil? Man In Black You know anything, Neil? If you don’t then shut the frip up. Neil Okayyy. If you need me, I’ll be over here NEIL goes to MELISSA and tucks himself behind her. man in Black (continuing) Yeah, that’s what I thought. So, Mr. Brody… brody (Interrupts, corrects) Just Brody. man In Black Whatever, asshole. You’re a smart guy, a know it all. What’ya know about that! (points to briefcase) Brody Nothing. Man In Black Really? So, then, what brings a Gucci/Rolex gambler to the North Woods. Brody The game. Sven You have a bad streak in Vegas or Atlantic City and came to shake a few dollars out of the Indians in their own casinos? Bartender Musta been disappointing and all findin out that all we got is slots houses, seeing as how rural white and blue hairs from Chicago suburbs aren’t real hot on numbers and all. Man in Black So what! Brody isn’t gonna get the Rotary Club’s Man of the Year award. (to Brody) Make this tidy. Make my life easier for me. How you see this shaking out? Bartender Whatchya doing, there? Man in Black Shut up. Neil You two married or something? Brody (to Man in Black) We split up the money. No fuss. No mess. Money talks so we won’t. You give us a ride to Rhinelander, just to keep any loose ends from dangling about here. Man In Black Okay, except we wait till we get to Rhinelander to split the cash Brody I don’t think so. You get us out in the woods and shoot us, makes for less clean–up than shooting us here. bartender Oh yeah? And I just sit here waiting to go to jail or worse; until someone shows up looking to figure what happened? Man in black You take your end and retire in the Caymans. Sven I don’t think so. There’s enough to make it worth while for someone track everyone down if they don’t get what they paid for. man In Black Yeah, well if no one shows up then someone’s gonna go looking for what he didn’t get. Sven Maybe you aren’t being patient enough Man IN black Do I look like a man of patience? Humpin around a briefcase full of cash waitin for a no-show isn’t doing my patience any good either. 12 the MAN IN BLACK suddenly opens the briefcase It’s full of Norwegian Kroner. Man ins Black (continuing) Holy shit, what the…. MElissa What is that? Monopoly money? Brody Norwegian Kroner. MELISSA, BRODY & Delilah (In unison, looking to Sven) Sven? Man in Black You’re Sven? You don’t look Norwegian. MAN IN BLACK points his pistol at SVEN. NEIL drifts over to table with briefcase Man in Black (continuing) You got something for me, Sven? SVEN nods to BARTENDER MAN IN BLACK He leave something with you? bartender Yah, just some envelope. Man in black And you didn’t think to mention it -- why? Bartender You said it would be a package when you called not an envelope and you said it would be some big blond guy. Man in Black I said likely it would be a big blond. I never expected an African American Norwegian and the envelope is a package Sven I prefer black, not having been born either in America or Africa. Bartender A package is a box or something, not an envelope, and you didn’t say nothing about any Norskie, there! Man In Black Shit! Just get it out. BARTENDER extracts a large manila envelope from behind bar. It is thick with papers and CDs MAN IN Black (continuing to Sven) How come you didn’t mention anything. Sven I figured you kill everyone else after the exchange and I hadn’t bargained for that. Also, Intell told my people that there might be another party of interest Man in black Another party of interest? NEIL picks up a gun from the table. MAN IN BLACK pulls his from his holster, SVEN grabs the third gun from the table. BRODY pulls his gun and jams a second clip into it. They all point guns at each other.) Neil Yeah, like me. Melissa Oo Neil! I mean – Neil! Delilah Oh yah, Neil! SVEN, NEIL, and MAN IN BLACK, all circle around with guns at each other. BRODY stands in front of MELISSA, shielding her. Neil (To bartender) I’ll just take that envelope bartender And whachya gonna do if I don’t just want to give to you and all. Neil Then I’ll spatter you boyfriend’s brains all over Brody’s Gucci jacket Bartender Then yours’ll get spattered all over the whole room and all when Sven shoots you, eh – Sven? SVEN is silent. Neil & Bartender (together) Sven? SVEN, MAN IN BLACK, BARTENDER all size each other up BRODY Melissa, when this is over you want to go out something Melissa Um – um…I mean, is now really the time to ask. Brody This might have been the last chance and I figured we might have something in common seeing that we’re the only two in the room who’s not a gangster or – or…. What are you Neil? Neil CIA. Melissa Really? Neil & brody (in unison) Yes! Brody Well, Melissa what, do you say? Melissa I – I don’t know. Bartender Oh come on, dearie. He’s so sweet. When are ever going to get another chance for a guy wearing Gucci to ask you out during the middle of an arms deal, eh? Neil, Sven & man in black Shit! bartender Did I say something, or something, you know? Delilah This is so hot! Arms deal? You sure? Bartender Yah, doncha know, I looked in the envelope there. Seems Sven is helping the Iranians get nuclear weapon info from the Ruskies. Neil, Sven & Man in Black Shit! Bartender Did I say something wrong? Man in black You may have just signed our death sentence Delilah (to Sven) So, Viking Warrior Guy, you really a middleman in a nuclear arms deal? Sven Yo. Now what? Delilah We find someplace where we can be alone and… Sven (interrupting) I wasn’t asking you, I was asking him SVEN Points to NEIL. 13 KYLE barges in, making a beeline for the bar kyle Lena, wants a Mr. Pibb, she comin’ around, and lots ice. (stops short) What’s goin’ on here? KYLE grabs the ax from the table and holds it up. No one sees BARTENDER edging to corner of bar. Everyone is poised to kill when she hits the light switch and the whole set goes into black. There are gunshots, pops of light and on the bar small fire starts up in a fry pan. After a bit, the gunfire stops. The following takes place in dark) Melissa Oh, god, what’s on fire? Delilah Sven? Sven Yo? brody Neil? Neil Yeah? bartender Kyle? Kyle Yah, there? man in black Shit. All that shooting and no one got shot? What’s on fire? BARTENDER flips on the lights. On the bar is a cast iron fry pan with a fire in it. Bartender You know something, there. I might have just saved national security and all. And we get to all keep our money, to boot, doncha you know. EVERYONE thinks about this NICHOLAS storms in, naked to the waist. His wrists are still cable-tied each to a bedpost. nicholas What kind of woman keeps cable ties in her purse? man in black What in nature’s unnatural nature are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in Milwaukee! Neil You know him? Man in black He’s the money guy, the Persian, the end buyer NEIL points his gun at NICHOLAS NEIL You planned on no one leaving here, didn’t you. Figured you’d walk away with both the money and the cash, right? nicholas So? I’m a business man. I believe the free market theory. Delilah How’d you figure to do that. You don’t have any guns. Nicholas What makes you think I don’t have guns. From outside comes what sounds like RAPID GUNFIRE. Man in black Left them in your car, eh? NICHOLAS nods Kyle Hey there, I’m really sorry ‘bout lighten your car on fire and all. I thought…. With a scream, NICHOLAS interrupts KYLE. ACT THREE 14 NICHOLAS goes crazy swinging the bedposts around. Everyone scatters and NICHOLAS never connects, but busts up the place good, hitting everything but the briefcase. Finally, Neil Hey. Hey! HEY! Stop! She destroyed the plans. bartender Yah there, hey! No reason and all to tear the place apart you know Nicholas What? You did what? Are you nuts? Those were plans…. bartender (Finishing Nicholases sentence) …to destroy the free world and other places too. Those ashes, right there, what’s left of them, in that pan. NICHOLAS races to the fry pan, breaks down Nicholas No! I’m a dead man. I can’t ever go home. Melissa Now what? Neil Well, she gets Kyle a Mr. Pibb for Lena and we take his car… (indicates Man In Black) …to Rhinelander, then each take our two plus million kroners and go our separate ways Nicholas Don’t you mean, we each take our one point eight million. I mean, it’s my money to begin with and she burned the merchandize Everyone looks NICHOLAS. BARTENDER gets a roll of duct tape from beneath the bar. NICHOLAS Aw, Come on! This is so not right! Melissa You make plans to destroy the free world and you think this is not right? BARTENDER You got any cable ties there, Delilah, still in your purse DELILAH pulls a fist full of ties out of her purse. BARTENDER throws the duct tape to BRODY. SVEN and BRODY grab NICHOLAS, duct tape his mouth and hold him while DELILAH secures him to a chair MELISSA So, you’re just gonna let us live? Neil Why not? What do I care if you run around blabbing that the CIA is on the job keeping the country safe? Sven How do you figure you’re calling the shots? Neil Cause, I’m the only one with bullets left in my gun. SVEN points gun at NEIL, pulls trigger. It clicks. MAN IN BLACK points gun at NEIL, pulls trigger. It too clicks. Neil I didn’t fire any shots when the lights went out. Melissa I like a man who doesn’t aimlessly shoot in the dark Bartender Neil, there, what makes you think I got bullets in that gun? NEIL points gun at BARTENDER. BARTENDER (continuing) S’okay, s’okay. You don’t gotta find out, there’s bullets in there, eh. Man In Black So, how about the money? You gonna leave me and the Bartender our cut now? Neil You, know I don’t think so. Live by the gun, die by the gun. So now it’s three million kroner each. Given the exchange rate, that’s just under a half a mil US dollars for each of us now. Brody That’s charitable of you Neil. You were just hoping that Sven, Delilah and I hadn’t noticed you kept their cut? neil Hey, in the land of opportunity, you gotta take opportunities. (beat) Melissa, grab the briefcase and get his car keys. We’re going. MELISSA closes briefcase and takes keys from Man In Black. She, NEIL, exit with DELILAH holding SVEN’S hands 15 MAN IN BLACK plunks down in chair gazing at each other. Bartender Now what? Man In black We wait a bit then, get the truck and leave bartender And go where, with what, eh? Man in black The rest of the money is down the way in a sack under a pine. Only the top layer in the briefcase is currency; just enough for show, the rest is cut up phone book pages. BARTENDER comes out from behind bar and stands close to MAN IN BLACK. Bartender As long as we got some time to kill, that bit with the guns when you dropped off the briefcase really got me going. (They embrace) man in black Me too. Too bad the guy from the CIA took all the guns with him. You liked it when I had the Drama Queen by the neck and threatened to shoot you, didn’t you? Bartender Oh yah, but I got all the foreplay I need. (indicates Nicholas) What about him. MAN IN BLACK picks up ax, eyes up NICHOLAS, who gets real nervous and mumbles behind duct tape. MAN IN BLACK sinks ax into table where briefcase sat Man in black Don’t let anyone mess with that, eh, Nicky? MAN IN BLACK and BARTENDER exit CUT TO BLACK ROLL CREDITS |
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