Duty....or Love?
The question is prompted by my mom being in the hospital, probably in her last days in this reality. Thirteen years ago she was diagnosed with emphyzema and congestive heart failure. The prognostication at that time was three to four years. I am there for her, as much as I can be. So what has prompted the question? Is it love or duty?
This is a woman, who along with my dad, drank nightly from the time I was ten until years after I left the house and were extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. In sober moments they would admit to this abuse, telling it me it was for my own good and proof that they loved me. The smartest thing I did in my life was to mentally divorce my family at the age of twenty, avoiding contact as much as possible. It took me over fifteen years to build a self-esteem healthy enough to take care of myself and avoid abuse, both self inflicted and tolerated from others.
Forgiveness:
At the age of 30 I embarked on a slow journey of forgiving my mom, abandoned by my dad for her vile rancor. It includes forgiveness for issues I've had as a result of her drinking and smoking heavily when pregnant with me. It's a journey took close to eight years to come to full stride and is an ongoing effort since she is still the same woman of vile hate for the world and only wants my attentions to validate her as a mother. I found myself actively working towards being there for her, despite visceral aversion at times. I was there when it was time to move her mother into her home; when my grandmother died. I kept her company through countless holidays when no one else would tolerate her. When I could, I made sure she had things she couldn't afford, but wanted.
Did a bond grow?
No, It has been more of a struggle, than a journey. The hardest times were keeping mum when she proselytized her attributes as a good mother; or wanted me to take sides in her divorce and find rancor in my father. There is no point in puncturing her delusion. It would hurt her, and it wouldn't change the past nor make me feel any better about her or her behavior. Keeping mum instinctively feels a part of the forgiveness; especially since she is so vulnerable now. And it does feel right that I can validate her views on her passing which she realizes is quickly approaching. It is nice to hear that I show more concern for mom's physical and emotional comfort than my sister who is worried solely about matters of the house and finances. It feels like a sign that I am there for her in the manner she needs.
Duty
But no bond. Love?
I don't know. I am there in the best way I know how and it seems to be what she wants and needs. Will I miss her? No. However, I want deeply for her to pass without suffering, which given her condition is a succinct possibility. I am I there because the 5th Commandment has been indoctrinated in me? I don't know.
Does duty embrace some form of love?
I don't know. I really don't....know.
This is a woman, who along with my dad, drank nightly from the time I was ten until years after I left the house and were extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. In sober moments they would admit to this abuse, telling it me it was for my own good and proof that they loved me. The smartest thing I did in my life was to mentally divorce my family at the age of twenty, avoiding contact as much as possible. It took me over fifteen years to build a self-esteem healthy enough to take care of myself and avoid abuse, both self inflicted and tolerated from others.
Forgiveness:
At the age of 30 I embarked on a slow journey of forgiving my mom, abandoned by my dad for her vile rancor. It includes forgiveness for issues I've had as a result of her drinking and smoking heavily when pregnant with me. It's a journey took close to eight years to come to full stride and is an ongoing effort since she is still the same woman of vile hate for the world and only wants my attentions to validate her as a mother. I found myself actively working towards being there for her, despite visceral aversion at times. I was there when it was time to move her mother into her home; when my grandmother died. I kept her company through countless holidays when no one else would tolerate her. When I could, I made sure she had things she couldn't afford, but wanted.
Did a bond grow?
No, It has been more of a struggle, than a journey. The hardest times were keeping mum when she proselytized her attributes as a good mother; or wanted me to take sides in her divorce and find rancor in my father. There is no point in puncturing her delusion. It would hurt her, and it wouldn't change the past nor make me feel any better about her or her behavior. Keeping mum instinctively feels a part of the forgiveness; especially since she is so vulnerable now. And it does feel right that I can validate her views on her passing which she realizes is quickly approaching. It is nice to hear that I show more concern for mom's physical and emotional comfort than my sister who is worried solely about matters of the house and finances. It feels like a sign that I am there for her in the manner she needs.
Duty
But no bond. Love?
I don't know. I am there in the best way I know how and it seems to be what she wants and needs. Will I miss her? No. However, I want deeply for her to pass without suffering, which given her condition is a succinct possibility. I am I there because the 5th Commandment has been indoctrinated in me? I don't know.
Does duty embrace some form of love?
I don't know. I really don't....know.